The return of Girls was actually so hilarious that we can forgive it for directly conflicting with Leo Dicaprio winning a Golden Globe that I never imagined he'd actually win. What made these episodes great for me was the realization that Shoshanna is actually the funniest character on HBO without trying, and that Hannah is way more self aware and less fucked up than previously thought. Yay!
The double episode was also pretty necessary because if they'd only shown one I'd definitely have forgotten Jessa was in rehab and this not-metaphor-y road trip would've come out of nowhere and I would've hated it (I hate when road trips are not metaphory enough, you know?). So instead of by episode we're going to break it down by character and their funniest quotes.
I'm kind of upset they waited until now to tell us that Marnie's full name is Marnie Marie because it would've helped me understand her way sooner. I really do feel sorry for her. Not only was she living on her crazy mom's couch, but how could Charlie leave you when you were about to make grilled pizzas!?
“Why are you even picking Jessa up, doesn't she have a magic carpet?” (This turns out to be not that false considering she could've gotten on a fucking plane all along. But I mean can you blame her, the airport is really small. Like so small that I'll have to play her a sad song on a really small violin.)
It seems like Lena Dunham's real life normal relationship is reflecting in her writing of her relationship with Adam, which has become as normal as a relationship could possibly be with Adam as a participant.
I really enjoyed how she opened the second episode by stating she's not hungry before proceeding to eat for about half the episode. I also enjoyed how she was pissed that the adventure to pick Jessa up from rehab wasn't providing her with enough writing material, because that's sooo what picking your friend up from rehab should be about.
“I'm not interested in anything my friends have to say either, that's not the point of friendship!”
“I don’t want to do it, and it’s really liberating to say no to shit you hate.”
“Truth or dare is the game that teaches children how to act like adults.”
“It used to remind me of the times in college when you would tell me, Oh meet me at the Free Palestine party, then I hear you're over at the Israel house.”
Just to get this out of the way, it's not insane that Adam hasn't thought about his favorite utensil. It's insane that Shoshanna would ask that question at a time other than the Truth portion of Truth or Dare. Now about his breakup confrontation due to him dropping Natalia out of thin air…this, betches, is what we call “ghosting.” Aka when you're dating a guy and they disappear out of nowhere for seemingly no reason. [e.g., Adam ghosted a girl who's way too pretty for him.] We invented this term a while ago but never wrote about it, so now you know. Also, Amy Schumer was perfect as the fiesty shiksa.
Last season Jessa got married to kill time, now she's in rehab to kill time. She definitely belongs in rehab but like, not for drugs. What is she even addicted to? Whatever, I'll let this go because I happen to know a few people who've expressed their desire to go to rehab for kicks as well. Sooo let's start with her throwing out a plate she doesn’t really wanna clean. I’ve done that with too many things, including clothes. But other than the creepy scenes of fraternizing with the lez and the old man trying to fraternize with her, she totally killed it in the 'hab. Between using group therapy sessions as a vehicle for talking shit, distributing a provocative “zine”, it's hard to believe she went through all this just to earn a pair of Uggs. Like her ex-husband gave her 10,000 dollars, I think she can afford 150 dollar chunks of faux sheepskin.
Somehow she manages to get kicked out of what seems like the chillest rehab ever, like their “solitary confinement” has no lock on the door and you can come and go whenever you want. Isn't the point that you can't get kicked out of rehab because getting kicked out of things is sort of the reason you're at rehab in the first place? Is it actually like that? Please leave your answers in the comments.
“This guy's crying because a froyo opened up on his block”
“Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies, no one has addressed that.”
“Did you know that today in group, some dumb bitch threw coffee in my face all because I told her she's a lesbian. I did her that favor!”
“So I went down on fat gay Laura. It was basically charity.”
“Can I get my pot back please?”
Everything that came out of Shoshanna's mouth during this premiere was just like truth bomb after truth bomb, especially her singing in the car and everything she said while chilling by the vending machine (where she randomly had a bag of Chex Mix that she clearly bought from the machine even knowing she was allergic. Foreshadow of eating disorder?). Also overhead at the vending machine: the argument over Ryan Phillippe's last name is totally real and I'm personally upset they didn't settle it. But my favorite part was at the end during that split second when they showed her trying to fraternize with the rehab kids smoking cigarettes.
“I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween” (samesies)
“You do that…and I'll come back whenever the cum parade has paraded on by”
“I'm like really happy that she's gonna be home for graduation, because I like totally want her in my photos”